Live-Blogging the Oscars 2006 Live-Blogging the Oscars 2006

This is Dan, AKA GayPatriotWest and I live fewer than two miles away from the Kodak theater and kept off the roads today because of the traffic jams associated with Oscar. I have been watching some of the pre-game warmup and have been impressed by some of the nominees. Both Felicity Huffman and Amy Adams showed class while Goerge Clowney cracked some bad jokes. And I learned that Helen Bonham Carter is married to one of the industry's supereme visualists, Tim Burton. A very talented filmmaker he.

Getting all set up here for my live-blogging responsibilities. Have a bottle of water, some yummy Smoked Almonds and a bottle of Excedrin near by. Alas, that tonight, given my responsibilities, I won't be able to hit the MUTE in the unfortunate event that Clooney wins an award.

Manolo says, Hello to the World!

The Manolo he has been also been watching the carpets of red shows, flipping back and forth between the Isaac Mizrahi and the Joan Rivers et fille. And so, now he is ready to let the live-blogging begin!

OK, now they're inside the Kodak Theater, rolling the credits on the pre-game show. Well, they actually called it a countdown, not a pre-game show. Beginning to wonder how long it will take Jon Stewart to crack an anti-Bush joke. Methinks he will bash Bush more than he mocks all Democrats combined.

I know a lot of people don't get excited about the Oscars. There's the politics, of course. And those tiring Best Song nominee performances. And the length of the damn show. But there are problems with the awards themselves. You know the complaints.

·The Oscar goes to somebody who should have gotten it a couple years ago, but got screwed over in favor of somebody else who got screwed over before him.

·Or the Best Picture Oscar goes to a movie nobody really liked, but thought that everybody else should have liked. I mean, "Gandhi" over "E.T."? Does anyone ever watch Gandhi anymore?

·Everybody hates "And the Oscar goes to…" We grew up hearing "And the winner is…" and we want to keep hearing. Hollywood loves winners, and so does America. The new phrase makes the award sound like a door prize.

Me, I'm excited as a little kid. The Oscar show is still the best chance you have on broadcast television to see happy nipples. At least since Will & Grace's Debra Messing starting wearing padded bras.

So what will happen tonight? Heck if I know. But between the slinky dresses, a couple of martinis, and too much cold medication, we should have some fun watching.

cool shoes, Manolo. BTW, my co-blogger the GayPatriot has decided to live-blog them at our blog. So check it out -- here.

Does anybody think that any of the Best Picture nominees from this year will be featured in a future montage?

Not that it matters, but I have it on good authority that Keira Knightley used to keep a poster of me from St. Elmo's Fire on her bedroom wall.

For what it's worth.

I want to make clear at the outset - I was the first director with an eye patch. Hawks and Ford copied from me. Second thing, check out www.filmsite.org/noawards.html#2. That's a list of "Great Films That Weren't Nominated for a Single Academy Award." (Just because I died in 1980 doesn't mean I don't know the web.) It includes The Big Sleep, Bringing Up Baby, King Kong (the original), Duck Soup, Modern Times, Sullivan's Travels, Paths of Glory, The 39 Steps and my High Sierra. I could go on, but you get the point. Oh, yeah Trouble in Paradise and Touch of Evil. (I was looking at the T's). And don't tell me every one of those films is better than anything made in the last ten years, because it will just get me more sore than I already am. People think being dead cures arthritis, but it doesn't.

Live from Hollywood and High-land.

Wow. Truer words were never spoken, man.

While Steve may be happy to see happy nipples, I'm pleased that they begin the Oscars this year with a reference from every gay man's favorite movie . . . The Wizard of OZ. Not Billy Crystal and Chris Rock in the tent.

We're really not in Kansas any more. We're as far as possible from anyone in Kansas, much less any place else in the heartland.

Waking up with George Clooney next to me would make it very easy for me to get out of bed.

The Manolo was must point out that the Felicity Huffman, she wore the dress with the plunging neckline to avoid, by the most obvious display of physical assets, the very joke the John Stewart just told.

The last time I was at the Oscars it was at the Pan Pacific Auditorium. Great place, lousy chairs.

At least Jon Stewart acknowledges that he doesn't have much connection to film. From what I've seen of his show, it's about as funny as Death to Smoochie. And so far, he's making fun of Hollywood's devotion to the Democrats. So, I'll say good for him.

Jon Stewart...z.z.zzzzzzzz

"A return to glamour" is tonight's theme, says host John Stewart. Has he seen any of tonight's nominated movies? I know I haven't.

OK, that last line isn't quite true - I saw Crash a while back. How many people have seen even one? It's going to be a slow night - and even slower if the audience doesn't warm up soon to their host.

Who's Dick Cheney? Is he a writer? Everyone's laughing as ifhe's an idiot.

Please, Manolo, give Jon a chance. The gags are OK and his delivery is improving. He just needs to win over the crowd.

Maybe his call-outs to damn near everybody will get the job done.

and he took on journalists! Saying that good journalism is a "period piece."

And there's the first Dick Cheney joke--it's actually funny--about Bjork (who dressed as a swan to one Oscar ceremony) who couldn't make it because the Vice President shot her.

The whole affair has a sense of hollowness to it, a certain fatalistic defeatism. Kind of like a national Democratic convention.

Jon Stewart is the nervousy person telling nervousy jokes for the nervousy people sitting in the Kodak theater.

The whole affair has a sense of hollowness to it, a certain fatalistic defeatism. Kind of like a national Democratic convention.

Yeah, Steve is right; he does need to win over the crowd. Still trying to clean up a spill. Spilled my bottled water onto my computer.

So good, I had to say it twice.

Peter Fonda, are you Henry's kid? I heard you were doing drugs. Stay off that stuff, kid. Bad for your career... if it's not And now they're making gay jokes. Tasteless, if you ask me.

As the gay guy here, not sure what to make of this discovery of gay innuendo inclassic Westerns.... Ok, it's funny. Very funny.

Ayyyyy! Alan Ladd bare-chested stump wrassling!

None of these actors is fit to lick Heston's boots.

"In your face, Middle America!"

It's a funny gag, showing "gay" scenes from classic Westerns. But the way Stweart set it up was a suck-up to Hollyood and an in-your-face to lots of other people.

Did I read too much into that, or did anyone else notice the same thing?

I heard Nicole is gay.

Best Supporting Actor. I hope it's not Clooney. If he wins, I should get a tennis prize. He acts as well as I play tennis and I'm a terrible tennis player.

Ayyyy! Attack of the Nicole Kidman forehead!

Nicole Kidman: Yummy.

George Clooney with a beard: Made my wife shudder.

I once did a western called Hired Hand. And I'm not afraid to admit that the musk kicking up off of Warren Oates was, well, intoxicating, man.

Where's Bogie? I'm getting bored already. There's not a single glamorous person at this whole event. It's worse than the Grammy's. By the way, I like that Bono fellow. Reminds me a lot of Rudy Vallee in The Palm Beach Story, which by the way wasn't nominated for an Academy Award either. And it's funnier than the 40 Year Old Virgin (was that nominated - they didn't send me my ballot).

Of course, Warren was no Heath Ledger.

What were we talking about again?

Time for my tennis prize.

NOOOOOOO!!!!!

George Clooney?!?

No, no, no, Rosemary Clooney for best supporting actor! George Clooney for best supporting actor's nephew.

Sorry, I just spilled my drink. Who won for Best Supporting?

Best Supporting Actor

And the winner is...

George Clooney? Really? For a movie nobody saw? I was hoping for Bill Hurt in a movie nobody else saw.

I'll let somebody else tackle Clooney's acceptance speech, because that pitcher of martinis isn't going to pour itself. So, what say you, Mr. Walsh?

Wow. George Clooney. Loved his work in "Roseanne".

Incidentally, he's right about Haddie McDaniel. She was black.

Yes, George, you are out of touch. But, I give you kudos for not using the occasion to bash the president and to be somewhat elliptical in your political commentary.

And I know black. Three words, peeps: New Jack City.

Nuff said.

Commercial break! The Manolo has just sent his houseboy, Jim-Jim to fetch the Manolo another kir royale!

This Clooney guy, he must be a good actor but I have seen any of his work. Did his aunt sing "How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?" Or was that Patti Page.

Ayyyyy! Attack of the Tom Hanks Forehead!

Clooney's award was payback for being robbed for his performance in "Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

Someday my son will tell me I'm old. And I'll tell him, "I'm barely old enough to remember when Ben Stiller was funny."

And then I'll feel really old.

My co-blogger has more on Clooney's remarks.

Make fun of Clooney all you want. But before so-called "Hollywood liberalism," it was next to impossible to get a movie made that had chicks kissing and rubbing each other on screen.

I salute the man. Plus, early "ER"? Like TV gold.

Speaking of which, Ulee's Gold, 1997. Check it out. Some of best work.

Andy Sirkis must feel really gypped. He could get an acting Oscar for Gollum because he was a special effect. And he didn't share King Kong's special effects Oscar because he's an actor.

And the Academy thinks the rest of America is slow?

Well, King Kong which should have had more nominations this year did win its first Oscar. This is the one category where the really enjoyble movies got nomiated. And just hearing the score from that flick reminds me how much I enjoyed the flick.

This Witherspoon girl looks like she comes from my day. Not like the rest of this brickheads, right Fonda? Which Fonda are you anyway? You're all depressed, you ask me. Bunch of lithium freaks, if you ask me.

Whoa. Wallace & Grommit guys - what's with the kitchen towel bowties?

The special effects and animated feature movies are the only ones anybody's actually seen.

Ridiculous bow ties. This it is not something of which the Manolo approves, not even for the deightful Nick Parks.

Oh no, that means Naomi Watts is getting a boob job.

And now with the nominees for Best Animated Picture, we are again dealing with some of the most talented movies of the year. While I'm happy that Wallace & Gromit won, I had been rooting for Howl's Moving Castle, I agree that Wallace was a good flick.

In an act of divine conservation, Naomi Watt's dress was made from leftover scraps of other Oscar dresses.

Dolly Parton, on the other hand is wearing the breast suit I've ever seen.

Manolo loves the Dolly Parton!

Even if she is slowly being carved into the simalacrum of Joan Rivers.

Ok, I admit it; I love Dolly, got sit back and enjoy her song.

I think it's great that they got a female impersonator to sing for a movie about a transsexual. Is America great or what?

Steve, is that all you straight boys think about?

Kind of off-topic, but I once partied with June Carter Cash. Don't remember much about that evening, to be honest (I was heavy into ripple back then) but I do remember that by the end of it, Johnny Cash was asleep naked on the roof of an RV, and June was lying on a raft in my swimming pool playing some Dylan tune on her mouth harp while Dennis Hopper threw up Mexican food and what must have been about six gallons of jug wine into the shrubbery.

Crazy times.

Wow -- is that Dolly Parton? She looks fantastic, man!

It's impossible to know what science has done to Dolly's body, but her voice os gloriously unchanged.

Way to go Dolly. While Steve had his eyes elsewhere, I was enjoying the song.

Anybody remember "Suddenly Susan"? Man, the stories I could tell you about Brooke Shields' toes would make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

oh so he was listening -- and not just watching.

Now that there's a break in the action (whew!), I can tell everybody who I am.

Not at all, GPW! We sometimes also think about thighs.

Who's this Manolo character? You related to Manolete? When Pops and I went to see him at the Real Maestranza in Madrid, the bulls of Don Francisco cut him a good one. We were in pre-production with Ava Gardner then. Frank was always getting in the way.

Damn, spilled my drink again.

Speaking of the devil, Hopper just showed up with pizza and a case of Mickey's big mouths.

Let the good times roll, man!

If you didn't know who Owen or Luke Wilson were and saw photos of them side by side, you'd never guess that Owen was the one who'd go on to be a star, while his better-looking brother would be relegated to doing Lifetime movies.

People used to give me grief about my nostrils -- but if you look closely, Owen Wilson has a pair that could easily hold mine AND his brother's, and still have room left over to shoehorn in a rolled up twenty.

Live Action Short

Every year, you see some amazing clips from some amazing shorts. And every year you tell yoursaelf, "I've got to see those."

And then you never do.

It's like the New Year's Resolution to stop whistling the hook from "Total Eclipse of the Heart" where youyr family can hear you. Or so I'm told.

Anyway - go see some of those live action shorts this year. I'm sure they're showing at the Gigaplex, or have lots of easy-to-see shelf space at Blockbuster.

Laugh it up, Clooney. Chicken Little made more money than all of your movies this year combine (or any of the Best Picture nominees).

Wow. Check out the talking birds, man!

Hollywood magic. Trippy. Magical. Life-affirming

Who are these people? More talking birds, man!

Animated Short

The same thing I wrote before about the live action shorts, only aimed at younger people. So, kids, feel free to replace that musical reference by something more recent from Britney Aguilera.

I don't know if anybody's watching this show. But I'm taking my ease with some cracked crab from Scanda (I know - it's been closed for years, but I had it flash frozen). And a glass of Barolo. One thing has bee confused though. In my day, you kept your mouth shut about politics if you wanted to work. Nowadays, you blab as much as possible about politics, if you want to work. Which is better? I'll take the Barolo.

Costume design!

Finally the category for the Manolo!

Not that it matters, but I have it on good authority that Jennifer Aniston used to keep a poster of me from St. Elmo's Fire on her bedroom wall.

For what it's worth.

Best Costume

Uh.

Um.

If I may paraphrase Roger Zisky in the comedy classic, Stripes - gay guys, help the straight guys.

Speaking of Memoirs for a Geisha, I met this cute little Asian chick while we were shooting The Limey who could rub the knots out of a tree, man.

I kid you not.

I have a lot of love for her, wherever she is. And whatever her name was. Ping, maybe?

Russell Crowe: Finally, a man trods the stage.

Here's hoping that the Russell Crowe will recite some of his poetry.

Followed by the vigorous bar fight.

Bonnie and Clyde... I remember that movie ... not bad for it's time... I'm not going to tell where I am now, but I've been getting my Academy DVDs and videos and I've been keeping up. Bonnie and Clyde was the last good one. After that...pffft!

Although, looking back on it? Ping may have been a boy.

Not that it matters, of couse. Life is all about experience, right? -- and if you can give a rubdown, you can give a rubdown, simple as that. Sexual orientation doesn't even enter into it, as far as I'm concerned.

....Well, except where Wally Cox is involved. Nice guy, but his neck rubs kinda gave me the creeps.

How come the ads during the Oscars broadcast aren't as big a deal as they are during the Super Bowl? Don't the Oscars usually get pretty stellar ratings too (except for this year, of course).

Steve Carrell with fake eyelashes? Strangely arousing.

True story: I once saw Will Farrell and Jack Black in the same tiny Hollywood dive-bar. I told my companion for the evening: If somebody dropped an atomic bomb on this joint right now, comedy would be set back three years.

Most people don't remember it, but I turned in what I think was a pretty good comic performance in Making the Grade.

I mention this only because Will Farrell, while he has talent, is maybe a little overrated. The other guy I don't know.

Narnia just won an Oscar! For makeup design! Which is almost like one of those technical awards they give out to ugly peoeple the week before the real ceremony!

The most red-state movie wins the most blue-state award. Who says the universe doesn't have a sense of humor?

So the makeup people made the Russell Crowe look like the palooka.

This it is nothing!

The Manolo has found the example of the Russell Crowe that is even more stunning.

But I don't really follow Hollywood too much lately. I'm more into theater work, now. It's more ... pure.

Judd, dude, there's nothing all that pure about Tampa dinner theater.

True story: I saw Judd Nelson at a Subway once. He ordered a 6-inch veggie sub.

Morgan Freeman sans tie: Manolo, go get 'im.

Christ. No matter how many times I remind Hopper that I'm a vegan, he insists on bringing over a pizza positively lousy with sliced meats.

And I'm pretty sure he does it on purpose, too, just to watch me pick the stuff off.

Which, I think that's just cruel, you know?

Freeman can get away with it, I think, Andrew. You ask me, that ascot looked simple and classy.

The Manolo believes that the Catherine Keener would make the perfect sidekick for the Manolo.

Andrew --

I think I remember you. BMT and a bag of Sun Chips, right?

You know what, man? Hell with it. Tonight, Peter eats pepperoni and sausage.

It's OSCAR NIGHT!

Ayyyyyy! Nigella Lawson has won the Academy Award!

The Manolo is so happy!

Has anyone seen any of the Best Supporting Actress movies? And I don't mean awards-screener DVDs. Did anyone pay money to see them on the screen?

I haven't, partly due to lack of time. But the biggest lack was desire.

Amyway, it's good to see Rachel Weisz win an Oscar. Especially in a movie proving that the worst killer in Africa is phramacutical companies. Or not.

On a yacht, yes. At the Academy Awards, no. And this is coming from someone who thinks Freeman did a good job playing God in "Bruce Almighty."

Judd: Don't you forget about me.

What is it Jim-Jim?

This it was not the Nigella Lawson?

Look at the bosoms, Jim-Jim! Look at the heaving, bountous bosoms and the fleshy maternal face sated on the poorly-made fatty foods.

Clearly that it was the Nigella!

Rachel Weisz -- wow! I gotta tell you, I love the Jewesses, man. Always have. So fiesty. So honest and raw.

True story: Karen Black used to claim she was Jewish every time we made love. Of course, she also claimed she could eat an entire watermelon and fourteen hard-boiled eggs in a single sitting -- something I never saw her follow through on.

So I never really knew what to make of that chick, honestly.

This Roger Simon kid who is now writing one of these bothersome weblogs and used to write pictures (like that appallingly leftist The Big Fix) apparently has predicted nearly every Oscar so far on his site (except for best supporting actor). I saw the post. (I don't have a lot to do where I am). I hope he had some money riding on it.

Of course, Karen had those eyes, man. Just a bit off, you know? -- looking in two slightly different directions at once? They could hypnotize you like certain West Virginians can hypnotize chickens.

I loved her for that. She was so...Karen Black.

Ah, Bette Bacall. One of my people. Back from the day when pictures were pictures. Too bad she's Jewish. Am I Jewish? Was Raoul my real name? Is it anybody's real name? I forget.

Poor Lauren Bacall. She still has The Voice, but she seems to be having some trouble with the text. Doesn't matter, not so long as I have The Big Easy on DVD.

Anyway, watching these classic Noir clips... I know what I'll be watching after the Oscars are over.

Relentless was kind of a film noir, I think. I'm very proud of my work it that piece -- though John Hughes said taking such a chance would ruin my career.

I hate him for that.

Lauren Becall is 82!

And she does not look the day over 72!

Truly this it is the testament to the rejuvinating power of amatory congress with tiny men.

Jim-Jim! Fetch the Manolo the next Kir Royale.

"Just put your lips together and blow."

Wow, man. Truer words have never been spoken, man.

Man.

Judi Dench put my eye out in the bar fight!

Ha! The Manolo laughs!

Did Stewart really need to get his Daily Show crew to whip up some fake ads for him? While bits are funny, the ads feel like a late night talkshow, not like the Oscars.

Then again, I'll watch most anything with freeze-frame close-ups of Keira Knightly.

Okay, I'm not going to lie to you. Pepperoni? It has its appeal.

I’m experiencing major computer problems and can only post with great difficulty.

Hey, remember those gags I made about the Live Action Shorts and the Animated Shorts? Well, just use the power of your imagination to fill in the same gag here, for the Documentary Shorts award.

Except that you and me and nobody else has ever promised themselves to ever go out and see these things.

And the winner is... too much redhead in not enough dress.

I’m experiencing major computer problems and can only post with great difficulty.

Two more kir royales and the Manolo shall also be having the computer problems.

Ok, I found a way to post, but I have to first write my comments in Microsoft Word. For someone who is 82, Lauren Bacall looks fabulous, still a legend – and a presence – after all these years. And remember to never spill water on your laptop again.

Terrence Howard looks a bit like Ice-T, doesn't he?

I worked with T in New Jack, by the way. We became tight. In fact, to this day, we still like to get together and rap. And eat Sloppy Joes.

March of the Penguins. I wanted to seethat movie, but it would have melted where I am. (Oops, gave myself away.)

YAY!! For March of the Penguins!!!!!! A well-deserved victory.

Manolo: I had the same the problem. Sorry for my English.

Note to future potential Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences Awards nominees: Let's leave the stuffed animals at home, m'kay?

Charlize is in the black, which one should notice, the dominant color for the stylish dresses this year.

And then there is the J-Lo

Hopper just told me he once did a penguin.

And while I don't like to judge, that's just not right. And trust me: I'm about as liberal as they come.

Kathleen York in the THREE MILLION DOLLAR SHOES!

THE MANOLO IS SO EXCITED HE IS HYPERVENTILATING!

J-Lo just spoke of forgiveness and resentment in a very angry tone: Which do you think she (and the Academy) really wants us to feel tonight?

SHOW THE SHOES!

SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!

SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!
SHOW THE SHOES!

WHAT IS THE THING WITH THE FOG!

STOP THE FOG!

STOP THE FOG!

What's with the Druid ceremony in the background?

In my attempts to find a way to post wile experiencing computer woes, I was delighted tat one winner thanked is life-partner. This is the crux of my “gay rights” agenda tat gay people can openly talk about our beloveds – or lack thereof – as do everyone else.

So, Steve, I promise not to talk about my favorite parts of the male anatomy in this tread.

Here's an idea to make next year's awards less dreadful.

Just like animated films get their own category for Best Picture, We need two categories for Best Song. In addition to Best Song, we'd have Best Original Syrupy Love Ballad.

The nominees for Best Song would perform their tunes on the show, just like they do now. The nominees in the new category would be taken out back and shot. Unless the nominee is Celine Dion, in which case she should be nuked from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Dennis just reminded me about a bad trip that culminated with me in bed with Sylvia Miles. He says that's far worse than diddling a penguin.

I'm not sure I agree.

We need a judges ruling or some such. Anyone?

At this moment the Manolo could not be more disappointed.

A car crash production number? I thought they weren't doing things like that any more with the stringent fire laws. No one's allowed to smoke in Hollywood anymore. What's a production meeting without a cigar? No meeting at all, I say... Okay, there's still the casting couch - but the only one who uses a cigar there was that Clinton character... Yeah, I heard about that where I am.

Who's Sylvia Miles?

Jim-Jim, take the Kir back to he pantry and bring the Manolo the straight gin. Make it the double.

If I could vote the way I wanted too, the Best Song Oscar would go to Coven's "One Tin Soldier" every year.

It meant that much to America.

Either that, or whatever the song was in Zabriskie Point. Can't remember it offhand. But I remember this much: I actually wept.

Who is Sylvia Miles? I'm going to pretend you didn't ask that, son.

Christ, am I getting old? Because my girlfriends sure aren't.

Praise God.

Art direction? Is anybody going to get a joke out of this one?

Ah, they're talking about McCarthy. I remember him. Big drinker. Didn't like Dalton Trumbo, not that he'd read any of his books. Of course, Trumbo was no Dostoevsky either, if you know what I mean. Now Pep West, there was a writer. Miss Lonelyhearts was terrific but it didn't make much of a picture. As for those days of the Ten, everything everybody says about it is a fairy tale. And that Good Luck movie. Good Luck to anyone who believes it.

I think we should come up with a drinking game for this. How about every time they mention "issues," "racism" or "war," you take a drink? Nah, we'd never last the night.

Nobody can tell me this Samuel L Jackson guy has more charisma than a Jim Brown or a Richard Roundtree or a Ron O'Neal.

I mean, don't get me wrong: I love his work. Pulp Fiction? Genius. But have you people seen Slaughter? Shaft's Big Score?

Blacks in the seventies, man. They were so, I dunno...black, you know? Not like today.

Today, Michael Rapaport is the best black actor in America. In my opinion.

computer woes,

I love Sam Jackson, but hate it when Hollywood jerks itself off. Bo-ring.

New Jack City was the first great urban movie of the 80s, I think. I'm just proud to have been a part of it.

Seriously. It really holds up, I think.

And the lecture continues with the Academy President, whose name I'm not about to look up.

Have they forgotten the phrase "Just a movie?"

If movies really are as important as they claim, they might want to back off the "movies don't cause violence" claim.

My dreams tonight will be filled with Salma Hayek and blue.

Salma Hayek is a wonderful person, really. Sweet, down to earth, loves the planet...

But 5 Mickeys in, I have to speak truth here, man: she's nothing but Claudia Cardinale with half the ass and a third of the talent.

There. I said it.

Time for some Funyons.

Best Score

Here, you really have to give Hollywood its due. Some of the best "classical" music composed today is made for the movies.

Either that or Itzhak Perlman has some kind of mind-control rays beaming out of his Stradivarius.

The Gustavo Santaolalla and the Salma Hayek, they speaks the beautiful English, no?

Is Best Score the first Oscar for Brokeback Mountain? If so, it seems like a bad omen - giving the movie a "safe" award instead of Best Picture or Best Actor.

The difference between the old-fashioned message movies they just lauded and the ones nominated tonight is, people actually saw and enjoyed the earlier ones. The ones this year just don't have the same universality, the same humanity, as message movies used to have. In large part this has to do with the messages being conveyed today, which are bitter, paranoid and absurd, for the most part. Like Clooney.

Jake Gyllenhaal...Keanu Reeves without the acting talent.

I'm taking a nap now. I'll be back in a while for Best Picture. I voted for The Best Years of Our Lives, although secretly I thought it was a little sentimental. I had a three-picture deal with the studio so what could I do?

Does Hollywood have some kind of a death wish? Why are they teasing us with all of this great movies of the past, which they don't seem to be able to make anymore? Are they trying to rub our faces in the fact that "Good Night and Good Luck" was nominated for Best Picture?

Oh, I dunno, Andrew. Some of those epics don't hold up well - have you watched The Ten Commandments since you were a kid? I tried once, and regretted it.

And some of the epics - Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Braveheart - were quite modern and very, very good.

Hollywood does make'em like they used to, just not very often. Which is how they made them then, too.

I may be getting ahead of myself here, but had Emilio Estevez and I made out a bit in The Breakfast Club, I think that film had serious Oscar potential. Sadly, Hughes went for the laughs rather than allowing us to really explore our characters.

The hack.



On the plus side, I did feel up Ally Sheedy. But then, so did half the grips.

Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep. Did I fall asleep and wake up in 1986?

Do you know what this Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin skit needs to be truly funny...the drunk Paula Abdul.

Now that would be good television!

OK. We get the joke. In Robert Altman movies, the characters talk over one another.

I saw MASH. It worked on MASH. It doesn't work here.

Bring on Altman already!

Hey, where are the clips from Popeye?

Steve, thou shall not speak ill of a Charlton Heston movie.

It's sad that Braveheart was probably the last epic movie to be made without CGI effects. I loved Rings and Narnia, but couldn't help but wince at some of the CGI stuff, especially the mass battle scenes, which looked like a video game at times.

Robert Altman is the most overrated director in Hollywood history. There, I said it. He's so beloved by actors because he over-indulges them.

I think Streep and Tomlin have been licking the toad, if you know what I mean. In fact, Hopper is convinced Tomlin has been eating opium like Thomas DeQuincey would have had he access to an Amex platinum card.

Anyway, Nashville. Wow! -- does that ever bring back memories. I begged Altman for the Keith Carradine role in that film, but he never returned my calls -- largely, I think, because I was on record as saying his McCabe & Mrs. Miller was a pale imitation of The Hired Hand, which I still think is a superior film.

In the end, though, I'm happy with the work I did in Race with Devil and 92 in the Shade. '75 was a good year for me, all in all.

So screw Altman.

Though I love the man's spirit.

Maybe you don't like his movies, but that M Night Shyamalan ad for Amex was pretty damn cool.

Also, I'm having martinis and Mucinex tonight, so it doesn't take much to creep me out.

AyyyyyY! Keeping it real at the Kodak Theater.