Testing, testing, rubber baby buggy bumpers...is this thing, uh, on?

It's alive!

I hear it's perfect weather for giant inflatable scary things...

Good morning Jeff. Aren’t you looking natty? I’ve always said, Madras will be making a comeback—on and off the golf course.

Reminds me of the time I went to a Halloween party dressed as Payne Stewart… though the festivities were cut short when I got food poisoning from a champagne cocktail—or it might have been those green maraschinos I ate before. Anyway, I hadn’t had any dinner, so I know it was one of those…. Anyway, how the heck are ya?

Wait a minute...you're not Jeff.

Jeff is blogging from an alternate universe again. I thought he was trying to quit that?

The part of Jeff will be played by a monkey in pajamas.

Must be stuck in a cab somewhere. I did hear that there was a bit of a kerfuffle down on 42nd Street, where the slightly deflated dollar was causing problems with traffic flow.

Does Regis need a wake-up call?

Jeff… I mean Charles… I hear that these gigantic balloons are actually quite tricky to make. That there’s some skill to in assembling the right ingredients, and the timing involved to make sure they’re all fresh come parade day is something else. The pink in the Monica Lewinsky figure’s cheeks, for instance, I hear that’s made up of literally thousands of tiiiny pieces of Teletubby intenstinal tissue. Chosen for its amazing elasticity, combined with a high degree of color saturation…. Now I’m reading from the League of Abstinent Voters’ own press release… “which must be harvested shortly after cancellation to guard against fading. Workers handling this material must be monitored constantly, as there is actually a high asbestos content in the Teletubby intestinal tract, due to their extremely high-fiber diet.”

By the way, I feel obligated to point out that despite the amazing coincidence of our last names, Hillary and I are completely unrelated.

Except by species.

They're making horrible turkey jokes on NBC News.

I can see how someone might mistake us for twins, though. Glad you cleared that up.

Think of this as the pre-event event. A sort of warm-up. If you will.

Without coffee, life would truly be worthless.

I can't find the parade. I've got CSPAN on and--nada.

Perky blow-dried anchor droids at 6 am are very disturbing.

Sorry I'm late. I was having my parade pants pressed.

What kind of monkey are you?

Here comes the first float now, Jeff…. I mean Charles…. Oh, hi Jeff. Reading from my press kit, again, I see that this is the Worldcom float. They’ve chosen to go with a Tori Spelling theme for the third year in a row.

A commenter at my site said she couldn't figure out a way into the liveblog. I think right now you have to click on the pics, yes? Maybe we can add a link.

Titled "Tori, Tori, Tori!"

Nevermind. I see the live at 6 am thing.

The link's on the OSM PJ home page now...

I'm not sure the WWII/70's cinema reference is really appropriate. For an event where there are children present. Poor Martin Balsam is probably rolling over in his grave. If he's dead, that is. I mean, I hope he's not....

Strike-through tags! Monkey need strike-through tags!

Ah! Strike-through tags good.

Yes, Martin is still dead, as far as I know.

How's my hair?

Here's the moment we've been waiting for -- the Crawford Peace House float, with Cindy Sheehan wearing her peace crown and tossing flowers to the crowd...

Oh, wait, that was supposed to be a bit of internal dialogue.

Isn't she radiant?

They've got Scooby Doo tethered to a hundred ropes. Poor dear looks like Gulliver being subdued by the Liliputians.

Except that he's a giant inflatable dog and Gulliver, I don't think, was.

I have never actually met Tori Spelling.

Even though my ex-boyfriend did his master's thesis on her at Pepperdine....

It was called "Tori, Tori and the Phenomenological Metastasis of Tori: a Post-Classical View"

He was a Marxist, from Canada.

Ruh roh! The parade is being televised on a three-hour time delay! We're live-blogging the future, from the past.

Monkey confused. Monkey need coffee.

As long as we're liveblogging this thing, I should probably let you know what's going on here in Denver, where we have our own Thanksgiving Day parade.

In fact, as we speak, a litle tiny convertible full of Shriners just drove by dragging an uncooked 20 lb turkey from a strap tied to it's little tiny rear bumper.

They're all Marxists in Canada, I believe.

We interrupt this live satiricast for coffee. Or Sanka. Your choice. BRB.

Here in LA, the blow-dried anchors are unreeling turkey puns like crazed Carrot Tops, hopped up on paint fumes.

Jeff, that doesn't sound very sanitary.

A little Thanksgiving Day trivia that I've compiled for you:

The Plymouth Pilgrims held their first Thanksgiving celebration in the fall of 1621. And no turkey was served. Instead they had bangers and chips.

My grandfather was a shriner. In fact, my first word was "Fez."

Can I confess something? I have a tiny crush on Michael Bloomberg.

That man can really wear him a knit scarf, can't he?

My first word was "fez," too, Hillary! Only my grandfather wasn't a shriner. He was an extra in Casablanca.

And here's the float from the French embassy, festooned with torched Peugeots! At the front is a very tired-looking actor playing Jacques Chirac, wearing the traditional Bordeaux kaffiyeh head scarf.

Michael Bloomberg is indeed a hottie. Though not as hot as Ed Koch.

He was also an opium addict. But that hardly seems relevant. Unless he smoked it out of a turkey. Which I don't think was the case.

Jacques Chirac is not hot.

Mmm. Opium.

He could be on fire and still would not be hot.

My grandfather was the opium addict -- not Michael Bloomberg. Bloomy's an Ecstacy guy.

You know who else is hot? Ralph Nader.

More Thanksgiving trivia:

The name of the Wampanoag chief who was invited to the first Thanksgiving feast was Massasoit. Ninety Wampanoag tribesmen were present at the feast.

Until after the pie, when the white man slaughtered them all with smallpox-riddled cardboard Pilgrim hats and hatchets.

Ralph Nader? Hot?

Is monkey having nightmare?

Does anyone know if turkeys can actually fly?

I am a monkey who questions everything.

Man, I'm so glad Columbus discovered America, aren't you guys? Otherwise we'd be having corn today and shivering inside a buffalo pelt.

Okay, the guy with the puppet? His lips are moving.

Totally ruins the illusion for me. I'm surprised the kids are buying it.

Here comes the Mutual of Omaha marching band, playing their signature number, the theme from Hawaii Five-oh, a tribute to favorite son Warren Buffett, who once said, "That which is not worth doing is not worth doing well."

Warren Buffet, who is also hot.

Gooooood Morning America

Is that Axl Rose at the front, twirling a baton?

Why yes! It is Axl! I'd recognize those skin-tight white running shorts anywhere.

No, Charles, it's that David Lee Bon Jovi guy.

My problem with Thanksgiving is all the orange. Orange is the terrible color. Just super fantasically terrible. WHoops, sorry I was channeling the Manolo

Welcome, Nina, you're looking fetching today in that pillbox hat.

Three monkeys and a human. It's like Darwin in reverse.

The announcers just thanked our troops, which I thought was nice.

I'd like to take this opportunity to do so myself. Because if it wasn't for their sacrifice, I wouldn't be able to watch Rita Coolidge riding down the street atop a giant turkey made out of paper mache and chicken wire.

I love orange. It's such a safe color. I've never been run over while wearing it.

thank you, thank you. I had my computer turned off and didn't see my invite to join you till right now.

I don't know what to say. The parade hasn't start yet in Los Angeles.

Without our troops, we never would have had Bob Hope. I once played patty cake with Bob Hope. I don't think he remembered the next day, though, he was pretty old at the time.

Transitioning from Chicken LIttle to a "big star" and it's Gary Valentine? Who's Gary Valentine?

This is boring because it's not on.

Hi Madeleine, welcome to the parade of life! No floats, lots of marching, and traffic is a nightmare.

Uh oh. If there are kids here, does that mean I have to scrap all my material about Sponge Bob being murdered by angry Native American protesters with crossbows?

Nina, I think you're confused. You're not actually supposed to be watching the parade. You could get hurt doing it that way.

when I was little I used to watch the parade from the 4th floor window of my mother's friend's apartment on central park west - we looked straight ahead into the baloons. Now that was a rush.

I think most kids would welcome the news of Sponge Bob's demise. Only middle-aged stoners actually watch that show. Right Madeleine?

Jeff, you better not say that about Sponge Bob.

Hillary - DUH. See what happens when when I wake up to an invitation and forget what it's about

That's interesting, Nina.

When I was a kid my family would gather around a candle and eat cat food. But then, we were very very poor.

You had a Candle??? Damn I should have come to visit you.

Do you know what I love about this parade - it's going by times square so we can have a little sex ed for the kiddies. it's great to combine entertainment with education.

Speaking of being poor, here's another bit of Thanksgiving trivia:

Sarah Josepha Hale, a magazine editor, is credited with making Thanksgiving a national holiday. She began her Thanksgiving campaign in 1827.

Largely as an excuse to stuff herself with yams.

I knew a guy once who lived on Times Square. He was a filmmaker, and made a movie out his living room window, of all the fistfights that occurred nightly. What I remember most about it was that apparently, if you hit someone really hard, their shoes will come off. Every time.

And now, here comes the King of Pop float, featuring a heavily made-up Michael Jackson broadcasting live from his palatial new digs in Bahrain.

Oops! His nose just ... fell right off.

Now I finally get that yam-stuffing 80's performance art piece by Karen Finley. It's about time.

How embarrassing.

Oooo, look, the new Michael Jackson sponsored float - a recreation of the Disney ride "It's a Small World Af